The author John Buchan once said "The best prayers have often more groans than words"

Dear All,

Well this is my first official blog on this site. I will be writing about how I feel as a Christian and as a wife and mother, who is separated from her husband.

I grew up in a loving Christian home and believed that as a follower of Jesus if I obeyed His principles and teachings my life would be blessed, e.g. A+B=C This I proved for 37 years to be correct in my life, but got a rude awakening when I found an email from my husband to another woman, addressing her with my pet name!!! I had been aware than our otherwise happy and perfect marriage had been in trouble for over a year, and had been trying to discover the cause, as he kept saying that he didn't know what was wrong, but he just didn't know if he loved me any more. This as a christian woman I knew was wrong. Up until a year before we had a loving and caring healthy marriage, and as we were both born again believers in Jesus anything was possible with God and love didn't die, you had to choose whether to work at it , but it was forever.

Finding the email destroyed so much. I went through to talk to him as he was asleep in bed, so I woke him up. He was confused but knew exactly what I was saying. He didn't deny it and wasn't sorry either. I was angry and so terribly hurt. This was a stranger. He had been my childhood friend and sweet heart. We had been together for 23 years and married for 19 of those. I didn't remember life without him in it. All my dreams were tied up in his. What did I do now? I started to talk and talk, telling him how the Lord had made us for each other. We had prayed and believed that the other was the right choice for us. Did he believe that? At first he didn't know, then he agreed, but didn't know what he wanted to do. So I asked him to leave.... Before the day was half through I was on the phone and asking him to come home so we could talk. I had so many questions but most of them could wait. I wanted him to know that I could forgive him and we could put this behind us, we could be stronger.

He came home but was very distant but I worked and worked at trying to convince him to try and work on our marriage. He finally agreed. That is a day I will never forget as it was my dad's birthday and one of the worst of my life. We went to counseling and seemed to be much happier. He told me he loved me, and I believed him. A weight seemed to be lifted from his shoulders. I felt sure that this was not my defining moment and we would survive this mess.

After a month he had to go on a business trip, back to where she was. I was scared and knew after reading so much material on this subject that he couldn't see her. He had spoken to her before and told her of his decision to restore our marriage. I asked him whether he thought he was strong enough. We had been happier in those few weeks than in so many before them and I didn't want it to be jepordized. He promised he wouldn't.

When he called I knew something was wrong. I asked him whether he had seen her. He said yes. I asked whether he had slept with her and he said yes. I asked him to come home. When he came home we continued to go to counseling but we were not so happy. Everything was strained. He was not trying but he kept saying he was. Again he was lying. He was depressed for months and had been on many business trips. It was just before Christmas and he had again to go out of the country. I drove him to the airport. The goodbyes were so intense, as he would finally looked into my eyes and say it would be fine, and that he would come home. I always felt so lost when driving from the airport.

While driving home I had seen a load of telephone bills and I tried to ignore them. It's strange how God allows us to see things when we are only strong enough to cope with them. After a few days I looked. Hundreds of text messages and phone calls were there from her. All the time we had been on vacation trying to build our relationship..... This was a phone call I didn't want to make. He didn't deny it and said he couldn't do this any more. My world as I knew ended that day. He was not coming home. The fairy tell ending was not going to happen. Another day I would not forget, my 19th wedding aniversary and another worst day.

That was the beginning of my new life and the discoveries I began to make about the real walk with Jesus I had to make. I will tell you of those in the coming weeks. I still believe in my marriage, but I can only control my life. That all happened 3 years ago. The affair is nearly 5 years old now. I love my husband, I don't understand him, or know him any more, but I do know the One who does not change or leave or forsake you. His promises are true and His covenant with you will not be broken. I want to finish this blog with I am stronger today than ever. I keep in the word as it's the only part of my life that is constant and true. Truth is very important to me. I still pray for restoration. We are not divorced but are separated. My prayer and my dream is for my husband to be restored to Jesus and his family. Reaching for Freedom is my goal......